I am Healthy, I am Happy, I am Loved.
One year ago I wrote about all I wanted to do in the New Year and New Decade. I spent about 10 months of the year… Not doing any of those things I had hoped for. Did a Pandemic have something to do with it? Sure.. But the things we are not changing we are choosing.
One More Time??
The things we are not changing we are choosing.
This year was.. something. It was a year of an overwhelming amount of obstacles. That which then lead to the most incredible amount of growth.
I know we all went through “it”. I can only speak for myself as to what I went through over the last year and then of course what I learned from it. Most of the year I was more concerned with trying to make someone else happy than myself. And for future reference, you can’t push people to be healthier and happier if they don’t want to be. No matter how bad you want someone to be the best version of themselves, people are who they are. Which is something I wasted months and months of this year trying to work out. It was all I was concerned with.
I won’t go into the details of how bad it was but I will say I’m grateful that it happened and now I can tell you what I learned from all the bullshit that was 2020.
The year of quarantine. The year of the pandemic. The year people bought all the toilet paper….
Maybe a bidet is the way to go.. Just sayin’.
You have to do what makes YOU happy. Some people don’t want to be happy. So you wasting your time on trying to force them to be happy, will in turn, make you incredibly unhappy. That’s a lot of happy and unhappy. I spent my summer on a lake sitting inside so I wouldn’t make someone unhappy. Thing is, no matter if I sat outside or inside that person was unhappy. And you know what, that had nothing to do with me. That is on them. Looking back, I wish I had (swear word) sat outside.
You are who you surround yourself with. You surround yourself with negative people? You surround yourself with people who want to get wasted every night? You surround yourself with people who have zero motivation? You surround yourself with people who want to be single and you have major FOMO? Well.. And likewise, if you surround yourself with people who are self aware.. Wonderful. If you surround yourself with people who want to do better and be better. Then of course they will motivate and push you to do the same. You are not inclined to continue relationships and friendship that no longer serve you. Remember that.
People are who they show you they are. Trust me when I say you can’t always believe people who say they are a certain way. When actions and words don’t align you must go by their actions. This was clear in so many different ways this year. I am so grateful for one of my very clear headed/ sound minded best friend’s who I would ask if these thing’s were kind of messed up or normal.. And I quote… “No Brittany, that is really F’ing weird. Emotionally Intelligent and non self absorbed people don’t do those things.” It went something like that anyway. Besides the weird stuff I’ll say it again.. People are who they show you they are. In saying that, if I had figured this one out a long time ago I wouldn’t have all these awesome (actually crazy) stories to share!
I came to a point where I blamed myself for everything that happened over the course of the year. The way I was feeling in that moment literally makes my eyes roll now. “I just wanted to be told I was beautiful or I looked nice.. but I shouldn’t have asked for that.” “I just wanted to be heard instead of being ignored but that was asking too much.” Ew. Listen to me right now. No, you don’t NEED your partner to tell you that you are beautiful or handsome. But they should. Just like you don’t NEED your friends to tell you that you are beautiful. But they do. They do because they love you. You compliment people because you want them to feel good. (Going even deeper read about the five love languages and you will understand how important showing these things are.) So if someone is withholding compliments, love, pleasure, affection, romance in any way then things are not okay. And you should absolutely never blame yourself if they don’t express these things. My poor friends listening to me cry about how unloved and hideous I felt over the year. Now I understand how angry they were. Don’t ever allow someone make you feel like less then you are. Don’t ever allow someone to dim your light.
Owning your own home and having a nice car doesn’t always mean you are responsible and mature. Just like going to Church doesn’t always mean you are a good person.
Unless we are talking about going to Eric Church.
This year was long. In March we couldn’t find eggs or toilet paper anywhere. In May it was snowing. In June the vet told me Brady wouldn’t have much longer if his pain didn’t get under control. In August I got incredibly sick, not with Covid. In September I realized what I do and don’t want and what I actually had been dealing with. In October I went into a deep depression which I hadn’t realized was me just coming down from a roller coaster. In December though. December I made the changes I had always wanted to make. Which I tried throughout the year but it wasn’t easy doing things like meditation when I would just cry through the whole thing. It wasn’t easy to write what I was grateful for when I felt like I didn’t really have anything. And that isn’t to say I don’t have incredible friends and family because I do. But it was a dark place.
I am consistent at one thing though and that is building from rock bottom.
I just don’t want to have to do that anymore.
So although the rest of the year I learned nothing from my past and I did nothing to better myself. At least I can say the end of the year I built myself up from (what seemed to be) nothing. I think we all did that at some point this year. We all have our little victories. And it doesn’t have to be starting your own business.
I saw the victories, I watched as you told your story of mental illness on Facebook. I watched as you went down an incredible fitness journey. I saw how hard you worked to find another job. I saw the struggle with so many having lost their jobs trying to stay positive. I listened to your live music you played and the podcasts you begun. I listened to the struggles of the zoom teachers and the meetings with your own children in the background. I watched as so many couldn’t have the wedding they had planned or had a child that no family or friends could meet due to this virus. I (obviously) loved seeing all the new animals get new loving homes. Victories are victories no matter how big or small.
Although this year was most likely nothing that you had planned. Sometimes the most beautiful things in life are the unplanned.
My plan January 1, 2020 was to spend January 1, 2021 being in a relationship, teaching full time, have a book out, and being fit “af” (or something like that anyway). Did any of that come to fruition? Nope. Buuuuut the Universe always knows what is best.
If I would only let her lead the way.
So what did I do to let go of 2020 and head into 2021 the way I wanted to? I spent my first ever New Year’s Eve by myself, at home, with my Brady and the rest of the crazies. (Nutmeg & Binx, King Jack and Little Kissa.) I made that choice. Because for me, my big New Year’s “resolution” is to not be around people that make me feel alone, I did that for far too long.
For the first time ever, I wasn’t surrounded by friends or family. I wasn’t out drinking my face off with champagne and shots. I wasn’t staying up until four o’clock in the morning. I wasn’t drinking and driving. I wasn’t going to party after different party. I wasn’t trying to find someone to kiss at midnight. I wasn’t standing on the Promenade with thousands of other people on a Cruise Ship.
And I didn’t feel alone at all. I felt completely at peace.
For so long I craved being loved. I craved being in a relationship. I would stay with people who were not good for me just so I wasn’t “alone”. I would look for love and relationships just so I wasn’t “alone”. The real kicker here is, I always felt the most alone with the people I allowed myself to be in relationships with.
And last night I watched a movie, had some wine, ordered some food and snuggled with my dog. It was perfect. And I think exactly what the Universe has been trying to tell me all along. That self love is the most important love of all.
…self love is the most important love of all.
We have these things called “New Year’s Resolutions”. It is what gives us hope. Especially after the year we all had, something as small as seeing “2021” instead of “2020” gives us hope. It had allowed us to see (some sort of) light again.
I think maybe our collection of New Year’s Resolutions should be something like, “Don’t buy all the toilet paper”, “Don’t drink a bottle of wine every night”, “Shower everyday and get out of those pajamas!”
But really, this year will be a continuation of the end of my last year. I will continue my journey to better mental health by meditating everyday. I will focus on my physical health as well so I can be proud of my body. I will be the best Photographer and Teacher I can be. I will grow my business and my career. I will write more and read more. I will not take any disrespect. I will not continue anything that does not align with my health and happiness. I don’t have a plan of where I see myself in a year. Not because I don’t have a goal, but I think because as we all learned over this past year.. Not everything goes as planned!!
So bring it on 2021.
Oh and a year ago I wanted to say today, “I am healthy, I am happy, I am loved.” I am.. Just a bit differently than I thought.
A year ago to be healthy meant I would be sitting here with 6 pack abs and be back down to 120lbs. Today I can proudly say I have worked on my mental health and feel more at peace than I ever have. A year ago to be happy meant I would have my own home, a really amazing full time job and a relationship. Happiness now I can say is being proud of how far I have come and how I didn’t give up. I started my own business. I have made what I do have my own. And honestly, I spent today doing things I love rather than being hungover. And wow a year ago I wanted to be loved by someone, anyone so I could feel wanted and feel like I was something or someone. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you are loved and being single doesn’t mean you aren’t. Today I feel more love than I did a year ago. After years away I felt as though I sort of lost my connection with Brady and this year I felt like I’m back to being his mama. I have made my relationship with my siblings stronger than ever. I have reconnected with old friends and strengthened my relationships with my closest friends. I suppose I strengthened a lot of relationships. So much of that has to do with how I decided to grow as a person, as a sister, as a daughter, as a past lover and as a friend.
Now as I had hoped.. I can proudly say.
I am healthy, I am happy, I am loved.