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A Pen To Paper, A Poem: Circus Life In Macau

pen to paper
By Noelle Croner

Editors Note: Noelle Croner, originally from the USA, lives in Macau, China. Noelle plays “The Dark Queen”, a lead character in “The House of Dancing Water”, a 250 million dollar aquatic mega show in Macau.

Noelle writes about her transition from the USA to China and the impact it had on her personal life. Through journaling and writing, she worked through the changes in her life and continues to write regularly. This poem was performed by a group of artists for a charity show in Macau to raise funds for a suicide support hotline in the local area.

 

a pen to paper

but how do I start

pain felt, pain created

bullets to the heart

 

my weapon of choice

empty pages in a book

soon to be filled

but for no one to look

 

it’s mine not yours

my zone of peace

the tension builds

here lies release

 

pages torn pages folded

pens with no ink

writings my escape

my time to think

 

I write about me

I write about you

I write about old

I write about new

 

my secrets are safe

I close it at night

my truths, my pains

locked up tight

 

chapter one, friend or foe

you wear a disguise

some days are nice

some filled with lies

 

unanswered questions

it doesn’t seem fair

I defended you

but you don’t care

 

pressing down hard

imprinting the page

letters into words

spelling out my rage

 

your words had power

they cut me deep

but my skin is thick

I’m not your sheep

 

a negative cancer

you’re spreading hate

close your mouth

and shut your gate

 

day in and day out

I felt lesser than you

entitlement is dangerous

It’s time I withdrew

 

watching from a distance

your destruction grew

more friendships broken

if they only knew

 

concealed by a mask

you’re sad and bleak

hiding your truths

insecure and weak

 

I’ve moved on

you’re in my past

here’s my advice

If you want to last

 

take a step back

it’s not all about you

open your heart

be happy be true

 

take time to smile

see what you find

listen and learn

be generous be kind

 

chapter two, love is lost

7 years together

time told our story

you weren’t my forever

 

belittled and weak

I felt so exposed

choking back tears

hidden in shadows

 

who is at fault?

we both made mistakes

suffocating silence

my heart breaks

 

facing my failure

betraying my vow

our paths separated

someway, somehow

 

I forgive you

but I don’t forgive me

stamped with a label

I can’t break free

 

begging to be heard

ashamed of my past

scared to be honest

how long will this last?

 

discovering the truth

its cold and hard

mad and embarrassed

my soul is scarred

 

one foot by one foot

Dad said to me

day by day, dear

it’ll be better, you’ll see

 

Mom is my rock

speaking honest and true

there is no book

there is no rule

 

love is love

your choice your heart

sometimes for always

sometimes you part

 

 

it’s true, time heals

be patient be kind

love once again

see what you find

 

chapter 3, addiction

a ruthless disease

chained to your habit

locked in with no keys

 

a true workaholic

hiding your stash

feeding your high

stealing our cash

 

masking your troubles

hitting the blow

vicious violent cycles

shovelling snow

 

Selfish and dependent

focused on you

what about us?

what do we do?

 

Failed Intervention

you’re under a spell

the devil will gain

a new soul for his hell

 

No where to live

Alone to crash

No one to love

bagged like trash

 

rock bottom hurts

you’ve lost it all

depleted and depressed

a thick stone wall

 

Gone for weeks

were you alive?

fearing the worst

did you survive?

 

a knock at the door

a surprising sound

begging and pleading

cowered on the ground

 

a pointless apology

there is no excuse

you’re haunted by affliction

devoured by abuse

 

just go away

I don’t want you here

you ruined my life

just go disappear

 

but she had hope

She had grace

A second chance

offering embrace

 

promising change

admitting you lied

detoxed and clean

stripped of your pride

 

a difficult road

letting you in

finding acceptance

absolving your sin

 

with each new day

and each new night

overcoming trials

forgive and reunite

 

unforgettable darkness

buried deep in my core

but time to move forward

we have won this war

 

no longer chained

now healthy and free

our new life together

once again, a family

 

chapter 4 happiness,

no place for hate

saved for the laughter

from the good to the great

 

An attitude of gratitude

leave the troubles behind

think out of the box

challenge your mind

 

it made me who I am

my childhood memories

to all I will become

my adult discoveries

 

summers at the beach

castles in the sand

jumping waves in the ocean

laying out, getting tanned

 

shopping on the boardwalk

delicious funnel cake

italian water ice

and a chocolate milk shake

 

traditions and adventures

mom, dad, sis and me

never a dull moment

my awesome family

 

birthdays and barbecues

tournaments of corn hole

fireworks and camping

mom’s famous casserole

 

I fled the nest

my sister too

me to macau

her to malibu

 

my four legged friends

with a lot of bark

hikes through red rock

or fetch at the park

 

reliable and loyal

tricks for a treat

the best company

so furry, so sweet

 

wanderlust

my desire to explore

feeding my soul

craving for more

 

foreign language

festivals and food

embracing the culture

feeling renewed

 

establishing connections

new friends new faces

creating new memories

in many new places

 

my monkey sphere

friendships world wide

no matter the distance

always by my side

 

thanks to technology

someone’s always there

to laugh, learn, love, listen

precious moments we share

 

movement in space

dance is my art

expressing emotions

passion of the heart

 

an empty studio

the perfect blank slate

ready to be decorated

my moment to create

 

tapping is my favourite

making music with my feet

rhythmic sounds vibrating

busting out the beat

 

volunteering hours

helping my community

selfless acts; pay it forward

rebuilding after tragedy

 

educating children

cleaning up my town

dancing with the elderly

building a playground

 

ignore the busy schedule

take time, lend a hand

reuse and recycle

protect our planet and our land

 

all’s well that ends well

except there is no end

the chapters will continue

my life will transcend

 

yes, i have skeletons

a large pile of bones

representing my hard times

from these, i have grown

 

yes, i have flowers

a garden of my own

representing my good times

from these, i have grown

 

i wrote about you

you’re old, i want new

for wonderland awaits me

i’m now breaking free

 

i wrote about you

i wrote about past

but since, i’ve moved on

the new me will last

 

for i have grown wise

bliss was the brush; canvas my face

simple virtues i’ll prize

for the rest of all days.

 

my secrets were safe

i kept them locked tight

my truths, pains, unleashed now

i’m bathing in the light

 

Also by Noelle:

NoNo On The Go Vlog 1: The Gibbon Experience

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