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Editors Note: Noelle Croner, originally from the USA, lives in Macau, China. Noelle plays “The Dark Queen”, a lead character in “The House of Dancing Water”, a 250 million dollar aquatic mega show in Macau.
Noelle writes about her transition from the USA to China and the impact it had on her personal life. Through journaling and writing, she worked through the changes in her life and continues to write regularly. This poem was performed by a group of artists for a charity show in Macau to raise funds for a suicide support hotline in the local area.
a pen to paper
but how do I start
pain felt, pain created
bullets to the heart
my weapon of choice
empty pages in a book
soon to be filled
but for no one to look
it’s mine not yours
my zone of peace
the tension builds
here lies release
pages torn pages folded
pens with no ink
writings my escape
my time to think
I write about me
I write about you
I write about old
I write about new
my secrets are safe
I close it at night
my truths, my pains
locked up tight
chapter one, friend or foe
you wear a disguise
some days are nice
some filled with lies
unanswered questions
it doesn’t seem fair
I defended you
but you don’t care
pressing down hard
imprinting the page
letters into words
spelling out my rage
your words had power
they cut me deep
but my skin is thick
I’m not your sheep
a negative cancer
you’re spreading hate
close your mouth
and shut your gate
day in and day out
I felt lesser than you
entitlement is dangerous
It’s time I withdrew
watching from a distance
your destruction grew
more friendships broken
if they only knew
concealed by a mask
you’re sad and bleak
hiding your truths
insecure and weak
I’ve moved on
you’re in my past
here’s my advice
If you want to last
take a step back
it’s not all about you
open your heart
be happy be true
take time to smile
see what you find
listen and learn
be generous be kind
chapter two, love is lost
7 years together
time told our story
you weren’t my forever
belittled and weak
I felt so exposed
choking back tears
hidden in shadows
who is at fault?
we both made mistakes
suffocating silence
my heart breaks
facing my failure
betraying my vow
our paths separated
someway, somehow
I forgive you
but I don’t forgive me
stamped with a label
I can’t break free
begging to be heard
ashamed of my past
scared to be honest
how long will this last?
discovering the truth
its cold and hard
mad and embarrassed
my soul is scarred
one foot by one foot
Dad said to me
day by day, dear
it’ll be better, you’ll see
Mom is my rock
speaking honest and true
there is no book
there is no rule
love is love
your choice your heart
sometimes for always
sometimes you part
it’s true, time heals
be patient be kind
love once again
see what you find
chapter 3, addiction
a ruthless disease
chained to your habit
locked in with no keys
a true workaholic
hiding your stash
feeding your high
stealing our cash
masking your troubles
hitting the blow
vicious violent cycles
shovelling snow
Selfish and dependent
focused on you
what about us?
what do we do?
Failed Intervention
you’re under a spell
the devil will gain
a new soul for his hell
No where to live
Alone to crash
No one to love
bagged like trash
rock bottom hurts
you’ve lost it all
depleted and depressed
a thick stone wall
Gone for weeks
were you alive?
fearing the worst
did you survive?
a knock at the door
a surprising sound
begging and pleading
cowered on the ground
a pointless apology
there is no excuse
you’re haunted by affliction
devoured by abuse
just go away
I don’t want you here
you ruined my life
just go disappear
but she had hope
She had grace
A second chance
offering embrace
promising change
admitting you lied
detoxed and clean
stripped of your pride
a difficult road
letting you in
finding acceptance
absolving your sin
with each new day
and each new night
overcoming trials
forgive and reunite
unforgettable darkness
buried deep in my core
but time to move forward
we have won this war
no longer chained
now healthy and free
our new life together
once again, a family
chapter 4 happiness,
no place for hate
saved for the laughter
from the good to the great
An attitude of gratitude
leave the troubles behind
think out of the box
challenge your mind
it made me who I am
my childhood memories
to all I will become
my adult discoveries
summers at the beach
castles in the sand
jumping waves in the ocean
laying out, getting tanned
shopping on the boardwalk
delicious funnel cake
italian water ice
and a chocolate milk shake
traditions and adventures
mom, dad, sis and me
never a dull moment
my awesome family
birthdays and barbecues
tournaments of corn hole
fireworks and camping
mom’s famous casserole
I fled the nest
my sister too
me to macau
her to malibu
my four legged friends
with a lot of bark
hikes through red rock
or fetch at the park
reliable and loyal
tricks for a treat
the best company
so furry, so sweet
wanderlust
my desire to explore
feeding my soul
craving for more
foreign language
festivals and food
embracing the culture
feeling renewed
establishing connections
new friends new faces
creating new memories
in many new places
my monkey sphere
friendships world wide
no matter the distance
always by my side
thanks to technology
someone’s always there
to laugh, learn, love, listen
precious moments we share
movement in space
dance is my art
expressing emotions
passion of the heart
an empty studio
the perfect blank slate
ready to be decorated
my moment to create
tapping is my favourite
making music with my feet
rhythmic sounds vibrating
busting out the beat
volunteering hours
helping my community
selfless acts; pay it forward
rebuilding after tragedy
educating children
cleaning up my town
dancing with the elderly
building a playground
ignore the busy schedule
take time, lend a hand
reuse and recycle
protect our planet and our land
all’s well that ends well
except there is no end
the chapters will continue
my life will transcend
yes, i have skeletons
a large pile of bones
representing my hard times
from these, i have grown
yes, i have flowers
a garden of my own
representing my good times
from these, i have grown
i wrote about you
you’re old, i want new
for wonderland awaits me
i’m now breaking free
i wrote about you
i wrote about past
but since, i’ve moved on
the new me will last
for i have grown wise
bliss was the brush; canvas my face
simple virtues i’ll prize
for the rest of all days.
my secrets were safe
i kept them locked tight
my truths, pains, unleashed now
i’m bathing in the light
NoNo On The Go Vlog 1: The Gibbon Experience
Noelle Croner was born into the dance and performing world. Her mother had a successful career before opening up her own dance school more than 20 years ago. Noelle embraced many different dance styles in her studies ranging from tap, jazz and ballet to ballroom, modern and hip-hop. She's a small-town girl with big city dreams. The brutality of auditioning in New York City quickly thickened her skin and motivated her ambition. Noelle has been fortunate enough to turn her passion into a career that has taken her around the globe working with various companies, choreographers and productions. Noelle moved to Macau in September 2015 and is currently the lead character of Dark Queen in Franco Dragone’s "The House of Dancing Water". Noelle loves entertaining an audience and she looks forward to a life of creating and exploring. What many people don’t know about Noelle is that she is an avid writer. It’s a therapeutic process for her as she can be raw and real. Noelle's journals have never been meant for anyone else. Exposing my secrets for public scrutiny is scarier than performing in front of 10,000 people. Be kind, be gentle, this is new to her.
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